Happy Holidays

I’ve been thinking lately about this neglected blog site.  I recently received a message from a very old friend who mentioned something he read on my blog.  I had no idea he even knew about it.  Then Debbi, my cousin, mentioned it (or lack thereof).  THEN I was remembering Amy’s blog.  While living in Florida and writing finallyflorida.net I would read her blogs.  She wrote lots of stuff at the time I considered “woo woo” – like a new moon ritual (which now I do faithfully every new moon) or following the Artist Way journal, which I then bought but never ever read. She also wrote something about a particular sort of journal that I thought I’d try, and then didn’t.  And then she just quit writing that particular blog. I think she initially moved to another platform/website that I didn’t know how to follow and now I just follow her on Instagram on her professional site.  She is hands-down the very best wedding photographer in the WORLD.  Seriously she is. And she travels the world as well for these weddings.  But the bottom line is I miss following her life.  Her cat, Mo. Her dating life (or lack thereof).  She became my friend in Nova Scotia.  But not really, but yea she is.  And now, like her, I have seemed to have moved on without a thought to my friends and family that I’ve left hanging. I feel kinda bad.

What a year, huh?  What. A. year. I mentioned to Debbi that I quit blogging because I couldn’t help but be political, then the social unrest was/is heartbreaking and didn’t feel appropriate to blog about my nothingness…and then well, then I fell down the work-at-home, sweat-pants, ordering groceries online, Amazon shopping, rabbit hole.  I RARELY, if ever, go out (although I’m getting out there tonight).  I mean it’s so rare when I go out that I notice how good the air feels in my lungs.  And with winter now here the windows are primarily closed.  I open them when the temperature goes over 40 (like today).  Sometimes I wonder if I’m gassing myself, like carbon monoxide poisoning, with all the space heaters I keep on all the time blowing on me.  Only one floor of this tiny house keeps the heat so I leave my new electric fireplace on all day long to take the chill out.  My electric bills are astronomical. But it’s better!  And cozy. I love working at home.  But I also love the fresh air, I love my view at the end of the street that I used to see every single day, I love going for walks but I don’t.  I just don’t.  I’m blaming it on the Covid.  I never had trouble making myself walk on the beach. I just wonder what the underlying issue is. Too much sugar (cookies) Covid-itis and cold?

I’ve been watching a lot of TV, but not really current TV.  It’s either so stupid (game shows) or really way too violent.  Like this new show “Clarice” – really?  Who thinks these shows are good ideas?  The FBI shows seemed interesting but they are so twisted and violent like what is happening?  Isn’t there supposed to be a murder and then it’s really more about the characters?  Am I saying this right?  Now it seems to focus more on the sick mind of the murderers.  There’s something wrong with that being the primary focus of TV shows.  Where’s our shows like Joan of Arcadia? Touched by an Angel? Even the Good Wife.  I mean who is in charge on CBS?  Netflix is good and so is Prime and Hulu. And I’ve finally bit the bullet and am paying for HBO Max.  The trouble is when you watch shows on streaming channels you really have to pay attention.  But on regular TV you can cook, look at a magazine, talk on the phone or write a blog.  You just have to look up once in awhile.

What else,,,, I am a grandma to two pups.  Daisy the boxer girl , now 1 ½ years old and Rooney the beagle boy, about 5 months old.  I keep photos of them at my desk and love puppysitting them.  They seem to know me and get excited when I visit.  It’s so fun. I am really into it. They both go to daycare on occasion and get report cards for the day.  Daisy does art projects and they have picture days.  I mean it’s effing crazy. You just can’t help but laugh and love them. And I do, love them

It will be two years that I’ve been back in Pittsburgh, this January.  January 25 exactly.  I’m going to celebrate by spending a week in Daytona in January to celebrate my Return-to-the-Burg anniversary. My plan is to spend a week alone, on the beach and walk everyday like the old days. Hopefully read a couple books. I could take the computer and see if I can come up with a blog but I’m afraid I would look at work emails.  Then I’d hate myself. Am I afraid of the “rona”? NO.  I’m going to mask up and wear gloves on the plane. And then stay in my room, on the beach with the balcony door open (except it will be freezing) but you get the idea. From what I hear there is no Covid in Florida.  Right Ron DeSantis? (asshole) My niece who lives in Sarasota just got over the Rona.  She was positive and sick for a week or so.  She got a negative test today so very happy to get out of her apartment and in the fresh air.

I’m very very happy to be back home in Pittsburgh. It’s bizarre having to zoom with my kids on Christmas this year, like I did when I lived in Florida, when they are only 2 miles away.  But we all decided it was safer.  My house is too small for distancing, not enough windows to have the air move and well it’s just so crazy out there that it seems like the smart thing to do.  I think we will have a different appreciation of being together next year.  At least I will.  They will probably want to zoom every year after getting a taste of being able to stay home and not having to go 17 places on Christmas day (mom’s house, dad’s house, other mom’s, other dad)

So my kids and I are doing the “smart” thing Christmas morning but I am expected at my sister/mother’s/niece house for Christmas dinner where it is a ses-pool of who knows what germs.  Last year on Christmas day my baby niece was so sick I brought her home here so the rest of the family could do something the day after Christmas.  Her symptoms were a very dry cough that she just couldn’t stop coughing and a 104 temperature.  Her mom took her to the hospital twice and they couldn’t find what was wrong with her.  They said upper respiratory.  Things that make you go hmmmmmm. I was sick a week later with a low grade fever. Wrote it off.  Now, we just all wonder.  I imagine someday I’ll get a blood test and see if I have the antibody.  But I’m just getting over all the payments for the medical bills from last year that were “covered” by my medical insurance.  Ya know?  They charge for everything and then say “it’s covered, but this is what’s not covered” but “it’s covered” – it’s crazy.  I won’t get started on healthcare.

If I got started blogging again regularly, I would probably get in the swing of the everyday nonsense, it’s just hard to get started (just like eating right and exercising).  I understand how you can get hooked on it.  Even when it’s about nothing.  Especially when it’s about nothing.  It’s a nice distraction.  It could be a nice social service, a distraction from our homebound lives. Except I’m part of the homebound social scene as well.  OR maybe, maybe it would motivate me to go for a walk and report on the outside surroundings.  Well now, there’s a thought.  I could talk about the snow, the grey skies, the neighborhood.  Hmmm, could be a 2021 goal.  I’ll call it “the great re-opening 2021” – maybe the great re-awakening – the new “great” . Maybe it would catch on.

Well, I will think about that later. Now, I have to mask up and go out for eggs and sugar. The great Christmas baking frenzy has begun.  Although I don’t know why, now that I live next to the real cookie queen, I should retire the kitchenaid mixed.  Here’s a photo of her Cookie table as “we” packed boxes for her to ship and deliver.  I have become her taste tester.  I never want to move.

Oh and Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy New Year.  Let’s be happy to move on from 2020.  Take what we’ve gained (introspection) and start again.  Maybe we’ll have a better perspective on the world.  It could happen!

Like
Like Love Haha Wow Sad Angry
101

Sieze the Day

Remember the days when I apologized for blogging about nothing?  Is it me or do we all miss those days of me just rambling about nothing?  Don’t answer for real but just incase, I’m going to practice getting back there.  Because one day I hope that life is that mundane again.

Let’s see – I’ve been reading A LOT.  I used to love my reading on the bus/commute time so I’ve picked that back up and everyday at 5:00 I leave my computer (I’m working at home remember) and walk out to my back deck and read.  Sometimes I fall asleep but mostly I read.  I’ve gotten through a lot of books this way.  One difference that the commute did not offer (because I’d have to get off the bus) is that I find myself sometimes sitting there past 7 pm deep in whatever it is I’m reading.  Here are some of my recent books:

White Fragility – Robin D’Angelo
Red at the Bone – Jacqueline Woodson
The Book of Longings – Sue Monk Kidd
Ancient Secrets of a Master Healer – Clint Rogers
Those Who Save Us – Jenna Blum
Walking Through Walls – Philip Smith
Aquarian Gospel of Jesus the Christ – Levi
a couple by Harlan Coben that I can’t remember as I’ve already passed them on.  ANYTHING by Harlan Coben is good.

Up next –   Another Harlan Coben: The Boy from the Woods.

My new system is to stack the books up (I keep ordering new ones) and just take whatever is on top and read it. I’m thinking this way I’ll read the book when it’s “time” – you know like “time.”  A couple of these books mentioned above I’ve had for a while and was just waiting until I was in the mood. Now I put them in the stack and make myself read them when they come up.  After Harlan Coben is Stamped from the Beginning by Ibram Kendi.  It’s very intimidating (in length and subject)  but with my current line of thinking it’ll be time to read it.

I’ve been using that line of thinking in other areas of my life as well.  Not sure that this is a new concept or one I haven’t shared before but because this is a rambling blog I will continue.

One night, when I couldn’t sleep, I was thinking about mom and how it’s near the end of her life, I mean it just is.  She’s 88.  Well anyway, I realized I need to get her life story down before she goes.  So next day I called and we spent quite a while reviewing her life.  Most of the stories I’d already heard but there’s more to go.  I am truly amazed at how she lived at times during her life.  She has taken so much in stride. How much is lost when our parents go, and as the generations pass?  Ya know?  I mean before blogging would we ever know what happened?  Thank god for authors, books and historical novels.  I am always amazed how people have survived throughout history, such as Nazi camps.  Unbelievable.  I copied this from the book Those Who Save Us:

“The world has gone crazy. To burn people in ovens..that we talk about this the same way we used to talk about whether Irene’s husband was going to leave her, or the price of turnips, or the weather.”

And this is historically true of that time.

I’ve been writing other notes down.  Something will speak to me in a book or passage and I’ll write it down now (copying the source).  My thought is to compile them all someday and then use them as one of those books you open randomly on a day when you’re looking for guidance.  Have you ever done that? 

My brother used to open the dictionary randomly and read a word a day.  That’s pretty cool.  I’ve tried that a couple times and sometimes the word fits something I’m doing.  I don’t have my mom’s HUGE dictionary anymore.  I mean it was HUGE.  I wonder where that is.  It was a family relic.

I’m missing a lot of those family relics.

Let’s see what else:

Recently I was dog sitting at a friends who has very large rooms in her house.  I realized I’ve been living in closet sized accommodations since 2017.  Although I may have one time thought I’d like tiny living, after stretching out in her house and not having to turn sideways to access the washer and dryer I’ve decided I’m back on the home search for BIG rooms and a yard.  Any yard really.  With dogs (other’s dogs) and children in my life again (Evan’s babies) I need a FENCED in yard.  Primarily for the children. They were here for a visit the other day and as I was making dinner in the kitchen, those kids said they were upstairs and then I found out they were ½ way down the street at my neighbors.  I should put shock collars on them when they’re here.

What else,

Oh, I joined this new group.  It’s a group of like-minded individuals who try to increase awareness of one’s self.  I initially thought it would be a good group for me to ensure that I make wise decisions and actually used the example (in my head) so that when I buy a car I am making the right decision.  So since then,,,,I bought a car.  A (used) Subaru Crosstrek.  I have been buying cars for myself since 1978. This is the first car that I almost hate.  Lol.  So much for the group’s effectiveness.  There is nothing wrong with the car.  It’s fine and all but I just don’t love it.  I barely like it.  When I was buying it I guess I thought it was the “right” thing to do.  I hate doing the “right” thing.  It’s just not me.  I am hoping that life is going to unfold in a way and I will be happy to have this car eventually.  Maybe my next house will be in an area where I need all wheel drive and be happy to have such a car.  In retrospect, I think I should have waited one more year.

Other than that I love the new group – we meet virtually once a month.  I like it. Something I learned this past week, or that was suggested, is that when you get an urge or an idea, to act on it. It is living your purpose.  That seems a little simplified but that was the gist. Obviously it needs to be an urge or idea with a higher purpose I imagine.

So here’s an urge/idea I had (besides looking at farmhouses).  As background, in my current job and with my last job at Stetson I did a lot of Surveys.  I have learned that I like reading the surveys and making sense of them – I guess analyzing.  It’s not always (hardly ever) raw data, but the words and comments tell a story.  So I’m thinking about a story.  You know how one of those Facebook questions is “if you could have dinner with anyone ever who would it be?” Many people answer Jesus.  Also, usually people pick a parent.  So (I shouldn’t use so many so’s) Just for fun I am asking anyone who reads this to complete the survey linked below and let me know if you could ask Jesus one question what would it be (This is not a religious question – even if you don’t believe he existed – especially if you don’t believe he existed – even asking “who’s your real dad?” is acceptable – any question is acceptable) – AND if you would invite someone else (parent, Hitler, Joan of Arc) who would you ask and what one question would you ask them. Obviously you can respond in the comment section below but if you want to remain anonymous use the survey.  But, don’t sue me if I write a best selling novel and use your question and don’t mention you 😊

Starting with today I decided I would follow through with a bunch of things that I’ve been waiting for the right time to do.  Like write this blog, call a lawyer (just routine), put away beach stuff…you know…all that stuff that waits and piles up.

That day is today! Carpe Diem!

I hope you all enjoyed your weekend and were able to enjoy one extra day off from sitting in front of the computer.  As has become my new habit, I sat on my deck all afternoon and finished a book.  Although my exercise habit has really taken a nosedive, my reading habit has become all consuming.

Lets see if this link works: Survey says:

xoxox

Like
Like Love Haha Wow Sad Angry
2

I’ve got something to say…

These are really exciting times to be alive, don’t ya think?  I mean if we survive the Covid and all.  They are horrifying and frightening times, but I can’t help think there is going to be something good at the end of this. Wars, Hitler, Civil Rights movements, all prove that there is no accounting for how long it will take for the country and world to settle down but call me crazy, I am hopeful that after all this ugly is up and out that there is some more sane level of existing going forward.  I just saw on Twitter that Pittsburgh Mayor Bill Peduto (although not usually a fan) has raised the city’s minimum wage to $15.  All on his own.  Didn’t ask anyone, didn’t wait for congress or senate or anyone to pass it. He just did it.  Well, I actually don’t know the process that he used but he obviously didn’t wait for any federal mandate. I like the micro-managing that is happening now on the local level – micro managing in a good way.  Makes me wonder if all the Trumpers should live in one state and the rest of the world live in other states.  Wonder what that would be like.  Seems kinda cruel to put all the haters together in one place without a balance of sanity.  Because one day they could decide, hmmm, maybe I DO like civil liberties.  Hmmm, maybe there is something to being considerate for other human beings, hmmm, maybe our equal rights COULD use an overhaul and then what would happen?  Would they be allowed to immigrate to the “other” side. Isn’t that kinda funny?  I don’t want to believe that anyone is un-salvageable.  And as a non-Trumper I would vote to allow them into my side.  After being held in cages for a period of time.

That turned ugly fast didn’t it? I didn’t even know I was going to go there but it’s just there. It’s in all of us (alot of us) just boiling up and out (if we dare to speak out)  Speaking of books 😉 The book The Power by Naomi Alderman is about women who wake up one day and discover they have a hidden power, an actual physical power, that allows them to dominate men.  It shows how the transfer of any power is subject to being abused once achieved. There shouldn’t be one side or the other in power.  It just gets abused…maybe not at first..but eventually.  If you think about it, which I do, most government programs are started out with good intentions and always get distorted from it’s original purpose or intent by whoever happens to be in power.  Look at Homeland Security (as an example) and what is happening now.  It’s all about who is in Power.  So whatever comes from these end times has to result in a balance of power.  Balance being key.  Not division, just balance. In my opinion.  If Democrats “win” there will be no winning. (but an obvious improvement in the short term)  But then it’s just a shift of power.  There has to be another option.

Personally, I’m putting a lot of stock in the up and coming generations.  I told my 7-year-old niece yesterday that she has to fix it.  She didn’t respond.  I yell at my 30-year-old saying – COME ON!! DO SOMETHING YOU GUYS!!” I don’t get a lot of response there either.  My oldest son just groans.  I believe adamantly that it will take these younger kids, the younger generations, to fix it.  Us old people are too set in our ways. We have the Republican and Democrat conventions still.  That is so outdated (in my opinion)  The whole system needs overhauled – everything.  And we are off to a good start with all the protesting.  I saw a story about whether or not 2020 is the worst time in the history of America; (since the Civil War); they compared our time now to 1968 saying 1968 still wins as the worst time in America – here’s a good article on that subject written in 2018: Is 2018 shaping up as another 1968

When I read the article comparing 1968 to 2018 (and they thought it bad two years ago) I am encouraged to read that there is an end to the disruption, to the bubbling up and bubbling over.  Maybe this is America’s “thing” Maybe we just bubble up and over every 50 years or so. Think about the Women’s suffrage movement.  It took 50 years after these poor women being beaten and thrown in jail simply because they wanted the right to vote, for it to become the law. Think about that!! 50 years after that to finally agree that women were equal enough to vote.  But at least we got there after 50 years.

No matter what side you’re on we can end up our own worst enemy.  We go too far one way, or not look at the other side, or shut down totally. Some of the issues from 1968 have been resolved.  There’s no more Vietnam, college kids wanted a different curriculum (still fighting but much progress), equal rights for women is somewhat improved but all equal rights, black lives, gay rights, are still such issues. Isn’t that crazy to think about?  I mean if you’re reading this can you imagine in your head saying “well yea those people aren’t equal?”

It’s so crazy, in my opinion,  to think that some people think that way, that other people are not equal or don’t deserve the same opportunities or more importantly don’t deserve the same respect.  Everyone is different but EVERYONE is equal and should be given the same, the exact same rights.  Noone should be pulled over for not turning on their turn signal and be shot. (see Man fatally shot by Texas troopers 16 times for failure to use turn signal) – doesn’t say in this article what color the man was that was shot.  What’s your guess?  There’s so many stories like this we can’t keep count.  I have NEVER been pulled over for not using a turn signal.  

Does Trump say all protestors are anarchists? Or is that just in Portland?  Is it more important to keep a statue of a confederate soldier or slave owner in place or should we maybe start looking at how we treat other people and focus on that issue instead?  Statues are made of stone or iron.  In our country they weren’t created by Rodin or Michelangelo.  They are not priceless works of art. They are stones.  They can be replaced.  People cannot be replaced.  It is ridiculous how Trump justifies sending in his secret army.  And shame on these young people in this secret army.  I’m patiently (not too patiently) waiting for the 60-minute interview with the ones that have a conscious (disguised of course).

Well, again, if Trump wasn’t showing us the ugly side of America we would probably just keep going along to go along. That’s really what we do.  We’re complacent to say the least. So I guess for those that voted for him because they wanted change they got their wish. And hopefully we all are benefiting from him in the big big big picture. Like in history, in 50 years, will the future generations be thankful to him? I say thankful to these times would perhaps be the story to be told.

So, that is why I am super excited that there are those brave souls out there fighting still, marching still, facing the ugly and making us look at it.  It’s like saying LOOK, are you seeing what could so easily happen to us? (in Portland)  Do you see this?  What is to stop it?  How do we stop it? It is a very scary and helpless feeling (in my opinion).

We stop it by getting the asshole OUT of office (now!) but we better have another plan.  Biden is not our savior (but not a bad guy!).  He is a bandaid, and hopefully a bridge to a better tomorrow, but he is “old” – where are the young people?  Let’s get some highschool kids in there?  Some of them are fearless – David Hogg (you know he’s a threat when the right win conspiracy theories attack him – that’s like the stamp of approval!) Emma Gonzalez?  What about Stefan Perez?

And this one is a favorite – as the tweet said: Here comes the future…and she ain’t takin shit from nobody

I hope to be voting for her soon.

xoxoxo

Like
Like Love Haha Wow Sad Angry
6

The silence is deafening

Sometimes it is stunned silence that we are feeling – that people feel.  That’s how I feel.  Just stunned and dumb (like not talking dumb) and frozen in sadness.  I don’t know what to say and I don’t know whatever I say if it’s going to be inappropriate.  I had a work colleague at Stetson who is black and who would always challenge me to “talk” about whatever I had to say.  He was so great.  I mean really great.  That whole group there in my little corner was great for this exact thing.  Challenging me to think about the things that came out of my mouth and thoughts that once confronted with them I could see how “wrong” they were.  We white people have no idea, NO idea, of the thoughts, the conditions, the deep seated programming that we have grown accustomed to. And we don’t even know how bad we are.  That’s why I just don’t want to say anything because I am so afraid of saying the wrong thing.  And so afraid I’m going to make this about me, like I just did there.

But Twitch (on Ellen) and several other posts have said, please say something.  The silence is deafening.

I am the aunt of several black people – 2 boys and 2 girls.  They are raised with white people.  I don’t know what this means to them and so far it means nothing to me because I’m white and I treat them like my own children.  No different (although, you know nicer because I’m a grandma/great aunt now and they go back home!) But for the 3 that live around me I never forget that someday they might be mistreated simply because of the color of their skin. It makes me sick to think they could be mistreated and think about how they would have to process that. It is heartbreaking.  MY babies.  My son Zachary’s best friend in highschool, Micol, is black.  He was planning a trip to Ohio once when they were in high school and I said “be careful Micol, blah blah” and he said “mom, I can get shot going into a 7-11” – I’ve never forgotten that because it never crossed my mind that anyone I knew would have that fear.  That was about “other” people and “other black people” – not about anyone I know.

But this horrible prejudice, this horrible injustice, this horrible behavior that goes on in our country is unacceptable….obviously.  Yet for years, hundreds of years, we have, again obviously, accepted it. 

I wonder if we all have a first time that really sticks with us when we realized just exactly how horrible it is to be a black man in America. Mine was Jordan Miles (look him up – Pittsburgh PA Jordan Miles).  A high school kid walking home from his grandmother’s house, with a Mountain Dew in his pocket, in his own neighborhood, horribly beaten by two white men.  Two white men who later claimed to be undercover cops that thought he had a gun.  And they got off.  I am still horrified. Everyone knew those police were lying. EVERYONE.  But nothing happened – maybe a day or two of protests but who cares.  Nothing happened and Jordan was hospitalized for I don’t know how long.  A kid that was going to a performing arts school walking home from his grandmothers.  In his own neighborhood.  Those undercover white cops had no business in that neighborhood and no business attacking him. And there were no consequences for the officers.  I still have outrage over it.  NOTHING is done.  NOTHING is ever done.  And here’s a question – how do these men, these police officers, how do they live with themselves?  Seriously how do you wake up day after day knowing that you senselessly beat another human being for no reason, lie about it in a court of law, have OTHER people lie for you and this child, seriously “child” has consequences for this rest of his life.  How do you live with yourself.

But what did I do?

Nothing.

I had outrage, I have disbelief, I think these things are incredulous.  I just can’t believe it goes on so often. SOOO often. I mean I DO believe it, but I can’t believe that we, as Americans, as HUMANS, let it happen, over and over and over and over.  It’s horrifying.

I don’t know what it’s like to be black but I do know what it’s like to be human.  And apparently there are lots of different humans who think and feel lots of different things.  Human decency would be something you would HOPE we all have in common, as humans.  You know, just like it says “human” decency.  But we’re not all humane.  We’re just not.  We’re just not.

When there are disasters I am always thinking how I can help.   With Katrina I tried to sign up with the Red Cross to go to New Orleans to help in recovery efforts. Recently I tried to volunteer my time with Covid relief efforts.,,, if needed (not really needed around here but I didn’t know that at the time). When we had our little flood in Fair Oaks years ago I was at the Fire Hall helping.   This time too I want to help, I need to help. I just don’t know how and it weighs heavy on my heart.

Everyone thinks the answer is to Vote.  But I am afraid that’s not the end all/be all solution. Don’t get me wrong – we must vote.  We do Vote. I’m afraid elections are “rigged” – I’m gonna say it out loud – I think Trump’s win at the last election was tampered with. I refuse to believe that in America there are THAT many people that stupid.  I refuse to believe my fellow humans are that insensitive.  If you think about it there is only ONE Fox network.  So really, how popular can that line of thinking be?  The rest of the network channels at least support human decency.  If there really were 63 million people that liked Trump wouldn’t there be more than one Fox News channel promoting that bullshit?  Just sayin.

We all must vote – and we all need to vote every single Republican out of office.  I’m not opposed to electing other Republicans – I have nothing against Republicans – I just have EVERYTHING against every Republican in office currently.  Every last one of them…except maybe Mitt.  I used to believe in Marco Rubio.  I’m sad about what happened to him.  I told him don’t get dragged down with this asshole – but he didn’t listen to me.  No one ever does. I’m getting off track.  On point, change is needed everywhere – EVERYWHERE.  And change happens with who is in office.  I mean look at where we are now.  If you don’t think voting matters, just look at where we are now.

In addition to voting we need to understand. I read the book “On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous” – Don’t ever doubt that reading a book won’t help you understand another lifestyle or culture. This book really helped me understand a “gay man” – well as much as I can understand being a gay man. (I am a straight white woman) It has been suggested that to help understand what is going on with our fellowman we should read books. It is our white privilege that makes us think we understand what is happening, but we don’t. We really don’t. And in many ways us white people never will get it.  But we can try harder.  We can try to empathize more.   I ordered, Red at the Bone, by Jacqueline Woodson.  It’s been in my cart for awhile.  I also ordered White Fragility, why it’s so hard for white people to talk about racism, by Robin Diangelo.  Here’s very good news – the White Fragility is on backorder (hopefully that means alot of people are ordering it!)  I’m gonna try this one too “Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America by Ibram X Kendi. Every book club in America, in the WORLD, should be reading these kinds of books right now.  We need to understand what we don’t understand.  Anyone that wants to read along with me and discuss would be great!

I hope it’s okay some of us are not rushing to protest but thinking about what we can do in the long run, because this needs to last, we need to be in it for the long haul. I am hoping to take the second shift. We, as humans, can NOT let George Floyd’s death just be a blip, a “moment” in history. It needs to be THE defining moment in history.  We need to keep this momentum alive and make these less-than-human-beings accountable. We need to stop racism in the world. We do, we just do.

My neighbor said she didn’t think the protests will help.  So I asked her what she thinks will help and she said “social media” – the more we can show people what really happens in the world, like George Floyd, like the two men who got kicked out of Starbucks, the more awareness that is out there the more we have to confront it. I read it was a “white” women’s upload of the two black men kicked out of Starbucks that went viral.  That is a good thing. It would have been nice if she would have stepped in but at least we can start by all paying more attention, film it, spread it.  I also hope we will now be braver and confront it while it’s going on.  When we can witness it and see it with our own eyes can we speak up?  Can we be a “witness”?  When faced with the truth will be brave? We can confront our own disbelief and we can confront the liars. We can see on that video that there is no one resisting arrest.  WE SEE IT.  My neighbor thinks this witnessing will help.  I hope so.

I think kindness would help too. Maybe also some prayers for peace and understanding and kindness and above all, love for one another.

xoxoxo

Like
Like Love Haha Wow Sad Angry
3

The truth is learned, never told

And now our time has come, where the rubber meets the road.  We’ve stayed home, we’ve washed our hands, we haven’t spit on anyone in a long time.  We have long hair and unpainted nails and some of us have suntans from sitting on our deck while taking a lunch break. I don’t feel a need to leave this existence and venture out into the yellow phase world. I’m content.

I feel rested.  After the initial shock of being sent home, like ”go to your room” feeling I am settled. My job is busier than ever.  I have additional duties, a new boss in a new world. I am challenged, busy and often grumpy with work, but I’m fully relaxed as well.

I enjoy my home now.  I’ve invested in it. I’ve invested emotionally and financially. I’ve decided to stay, not move.  It’s also because of all the return address labels I have.  I don’t want the Vets, the disabled, St. John’s or Luke’s hospital, Easter Seals, the Shiners and the adorable Native American children to think I don’t appreciate the labels with my return address, cards and notepads. I do wonder though if their marketing people are familiar with the internet and paperless billing.  I only mail one bill a month now.  And the only reason I do that is to use the labels and keep up the practice of check writing.  Kids these days…. they don’t even know what checks are, let alone how to fill one out. So, I keep up the nostalgia. Maybe what I should do is start mailing the cards to random people.  That would be nice.  Everyone likes mail that’s not a bill or advertisement.  Now look at that, if my head wasn’t so clear, so relaxed, would I have come up with that solution?

I mentioned to mom the other day that I can understand words of songs now when I hear them on the radio or through Alexa (don’t say that out loud, she’s always listening). One of my favorite laughing memories is my college roommate Barb singing songs, always the wrong lyrics, but never in doubt. In the past I wouldn’t even try to pretend to know what the words were but lately, post Covid, I can hear better.  Don’t you wonder what that’s about?  I also think much clearer (or is it clearly?) I feel clear headed and calmer and much happier.  I’m restless like the rest of the world. I’m anxious and looking forward to going out to eat but I don’t mind waiting.  I think a year is good.  Let this thing run its course for one year.  Let’s see how it plays out.  Don’t you think?  No one wants to listen to me.  Even I don’t listen to me.

We all think we know better; apparently we need to live and learn.  We can no longer be satisfied with being told; we need to learn it for ourselves.  Is this thing bad or not?  Are we going to die or infect someone else and they die?  Personally, I’m not ready to get back out there.  I am sure to wander through a Ross Dress for Less sooner than later but for the most part I’m happy with just wait and see.  I have lived and learned plenty of lessons already. My life experience is saying stay home, continue to catch up on Outlander, let the others test their bravado. I’m ordering in. 

xoxoxo

Like
Like Love Haha Wow Sad Angry
12

The dreaded ping

PING – To send a quick, short message over a texting platform (SMS, Instant Messenger, Chat) used to check in, keep someone in the loop about something, or ask about something, with the expectation of a quick, short response from the receiving party.

I’m faced with another unusual scenario.  I’m allowed to go to work on site but we are also being encouraged to stay home.  Staying home is considered helping the cause.  Limiting exposure and thus limiting the stress to the health care system.  Not to mention anyone else we may or may come in contact with. I personally can’t even imagine riding the bus, or riding the T, or taking the elevator in a building that employs over 10,000 people on a daily basis.  Shortly before the end of the world (as we knew it) I was MFing that T ride where I would stuff myself onto a subway car, stepping on feet, someone breathing down my neck – someone else’s hair in my face – and look at that – my prayers have been answered. No more commute.

I have worked at home before, as I’m sure I’ve mentioned ad nauseum, but for some reason this time seems different.  I don’t know if it’s my age, the circumstances, the weather, or all of the above and then some.  It just feels all run together.  My work is now all mixed up in my life because it’s all in my house.  My quiet room is no longer my quiet room – it has my computer and monitors staring at me.  Every move I make there is a work related consideration. Since moving my computer upstairs I now have to go downstairs to get coffee, or go to the restroom (or do a load of laundry).  I also don’t have a TV in the new office room to stay on top of the news. When I was in the kitchen office space I was only keeping the TV on until 9 am but now I’ll turn it on in the other room and leave it on.  That is weird isn’t it?  I can’t hear it and I can’t see it but I leave it on. I hate a TV being on all the time. But when I was downstairs with it in my face I had more control.  More structure.  As soon as 9 am hit that TV was off.  Enough news for the day.

On days when it’s not snowing (in May) I do absolutely love the air and light that comes in the front room of where my computers are now set up.  But now, if I go to get a cup of coffee downstairs I wonder if someone is trying to “ping” me and I’m away too long. Or should I stay in the kitchen and look at the TV?  Am I missing an important news item?  Why doesn’t my music on my computer play on my Bluetooth speakers now. It played on my TV downstairs when I was using that as a extra computer monitor. Forget laundry. It was so close when I was downstairs I could take a swig of coffee and put a load in the dryer.  But now I’m nervous that I’ll be downstairs too long.  Away from the possible “ping”. 

A friend recently shared that they got an invitation to a meeting while they were in the bathroom and then got yelled at because they were 5 minutes late to the meeting they didn’t even know about – because they were in the bathroom.  Why is it now we feel guilty and get in trouble for going the bathroom?

Sometimes the ping never happens.  But I still feel like I have to sit here.  Is that an old outdated learned behavior that I can let go of now?  I got an email from a work colleague yesterday who said “it is a whole new world.  I hope we don’t try to manage it with old rules?” Kinda revelatory isn’t it?  Because that’s what we’re all doing.  All of us (new to this work at home thing, in this new world) – we don’t know the new rules. Even for those of us that worked at home before it’s like there’s some wild-west new frontier associated with it this time.  It’s willy-nilly and we don’t know how to manage.

At least that’s how I’m feeling.

There are positions that are made for work at home and always have been. There are guidelines, there are accommodations for these positions set up this way from the git-go. And there are positions that are ideally positions created for working in an office location. We are taking those latter positions (made for working in an office) and trying to remake them to work at home. Herein lies the conundrum, the challenge, the new world order. The transition seems easy, the transition is productive, but noone is taking charge. No one is leading the pack. No one is making decisions. Everyone is kinda just waiting and seeing what the Governor says…lol. Where is our years of indoctrination of bluecollar thinking from grade school? How do we incorporate our “yes sir, no sir, go to detention for being late after the bell” to this work at home without rules thing.

See what I’m saying?

Then there’s these home related issues:

I need to print something for work so I can review it. I’m out of ink. I’ve never kept a backup. I just run out and get one when needed. Or order from Amazon. This time, I ordered ink cartridges from Amazon.  I really miss the two-day shipping. My first ink cartridge order took at least a week and then it was 10 stops away and then it just disappeared.  The update said not in stock.  How is that possible if it was already out for delivery?  And so I ordered again and then it said expect in two weeks.  In the meantime, I went to Rite Aid and they were out and I asked if they were getting more and they said they weren’t allowed to tell me when the next shipment was.  They were afraid there would be a run on the store if they shared when the next delivery was.  For gawd’s sake.  So I just kept ordering ink cartridges online from different vendors.  They all came the same day 10 days later. 

Totally unrelated to work, I ordered a new Kitchen Island.   Well, I guess it was related to work because when my office was in that kitchen area I was seeing that I could fit an Island in there and I was seeing how nice it would be to get some of that overflowing stuff into some drawers or cupboard out of site.  Not to mention more counter space. The Kitchen Island/Wayfair said it would be delivered by end of day last Friday.  It wasn’t.  Everyday it’s a mystery where it is.  Just today I got notified that it is anticipated it will ship from California on 4/27 (that was last week)  I can see from the tracking it’s been in Pittsburgh since last Thursday (5 days ago)  Then on Sunday they just stopped updating.  My concern now is it will be damaged because who knows where it’s been. And then I’ll have this huge box, that I can’t lift or move, and it will also be in my quiet room, my office, a.k.a the room that collects cardboard boxes.

Recycling is every OTHER week.  Boxes take up a lot of space.

All of this activity goes on while I’m working. Kitchen Islands, missing ink cartridges, cell phone issues.  Calls from my niece, on my cell, while I’m supposed to be on a meeting call.  It’s not her fault that she is calling me on my personal cell.  She’s allowed to call me whenever she wants. It’s my phone! But I need it for Teams meetings because my laptop microphone doesn’t work. That would require a trip to Best Buy for them to fix it. Using more of my free time to fix something that is primarily to make working easier.

Let’s talk about this personal HP laptop that is only 1 year old with a broken microphone.  I’ll be typing along and all the sudden it’ll go into some visual basic macro command.  It is draining my brain. Sometimes it just deletes whatever I’m typing.  I’ve brought a wireless keyboard home to help alleviate this mystery of the random keyboard commands, of maybe hitting the wrong keys, or leaning on the keyboard, or whatever seems to be the issue, but this new set up in the upstairs room (with light and air and boxes) doesn’t have room for the wireless keyboard.  So I’ve ordered a new desk.  It’s a small desk.  And when it comes (in a box) I will have to do some serious rearranging.  I am hoping it will reduce clutter in the long run and save my mom’s antique secretary from the wear and tear from me actually using the antique desk as a desk.

This is all because I wanted light and air.  Maybe it’s better to go back downstairs to the kitchen dungeon.

Well the long and short of it, my entire life revolves around work now.  Instead of separation between church and state.  There is so much good about working from home, but my brain is turning to mush.  I feel like I’m never ever away from it. Every decision is tied somehow to work.  Even exercising?  Forget it.  It’s either too late for me in the morning and I might be late coming back from a walk.  Or lunch time?  Maybe someone will ping me.  After work?  After work is a possibility but I’m exhausted most days from sitting here waiting for the pings (not that I don’t actually do non ping related work).  The weather doesn’t help.  It’s May in Pittsburgh.  It is raining and 49 degrees with a chance of snow tonight.  In MAY.  All the flowers I bought last weekend are now in my kitchen.  In the dark.

I was supposed to be leaving for Florida this coming Friday.  For a week.  My body is sensing the disappointment and wants to curl up in a fetal position somewhere in this house. Away from pinging computers and boxes.

xoxoxo

Like
Like Love Haha Wow Sad Angry
7

Are you a Good Witch or a Bad Witch?

Is anybody else using the downtime to try and figure out who you are?  You know like the self-help books/articles suggest?  As I was cleaning today I took a moment and pulled a card, a Goddess Card – just to see what my message was for the day.  It’s 11 – Justice.  The short messages of the card ”Truth is the foundation of Justice.  You must learn how to look outward at the world and inward at yourself with complete and rigorous honesty.”

It goes on for 2 pages. What stuck out for me is the message “justice is about seeing the truth about yourself and your life.  If you cannot be truthful with yourself, how can you be truthful with another person? If you do not understand yourself, how can you make a wise choice? … Wisdom is not inherent to your character or personality, but instead you earn it through the pursuit of self-knowledge”..ugh

I took many moments today after reading that card and decided to think about the truth of “who am I?”  Does anybody know how to figure this out? Because I am seriously stumped. It’s not the first time I’ve tried to think about this, but I’m getting a little tired of not knowing.  It makes my brain hurt.  And I’d really like to get it so I can move on to the next step about making wise choices.

When working a 40+ hour work week with a commute on either side there is no time, or interest, in figuring out who I am.  The only thing I think about is getting to work, getting home, making dinner, cleaning up, making lunch for the next day, figure out what to wear the next day, watching Grey’s Anatomy if I’m lucky, and then go to bed.  On the weekend there’s grocery shopping, and cleaning.  On a good weekend time to meet friends for lunch. So when is there time in your normal life to think about anything?

NOW? I have the time.  It is true that I still get up and get on the computer and sit here for an 8 hour day but I have plenty of time to think.  I am guilty of watching an awful lot of TV but I’m starting to come around to thinking about stuff too. Taking time to be quiet and think. Just like I used to do in Florida.  Living in Florida, alone, especially those last three months I spent in Port Orange without working, was good practice for this down time. At that time I sat and thought a lot. It is easier to sit and think in the warmer weather and with the beach nearby.  My “job” was to go for walks on the beach. On the weekends my job was to take a book to the beach.  Different times for sure.  I didn’t think about myself then either.  I thought about a lot of things, but not about who I am.

My self discovery today started with the list of roles I’ve played…daughter, sister, mom, aunt, GREAT aunt, friend, girlfriend, writer, dreamer, Reiki girl, office worker, fast typist (although Liesa B gives me a run for my money on WPM) and none of this is who I am.  I wasn’t even done with the list when I knew these roles have nothing to do with who I am.

So should I start to dissect what “kind” of daughter, sister, mom, etc. I’ve been? What “kind” of mom was I? What “kind” of mom am I now?  Is this how we’re supposed to look at it? Because I’m a very part time mom now. Part-time daughter, sister, friend. I’m alone alot. These tags don’t mean much to me now.  It makes my head spin.  And in the long run does it even matter who we are?  Are we just trying to get through it all and get to the end?  With most of those “tags” behind me, is it just a race to the end?

That’s a depressing thought, and a depressing way to think.

I guess that’s part of me.  I have depressing thoughts.

Here are some other thoughts of who I am. I like the truth, although not always black and white (this I listed first because I’m watching 60 Minutes while writing this…hmmm add multi-tasker to the list) I’m interested in things that make you cry (in my case that is a long list) but think about music, art, the first time you see the Rocky Mountains, the awe in hearing or seeing something you have never seen before. That is what life is. I love that. The awe and wonder of life. I love birds, not when they are buzzing my head, or building a nest on my porch, or necessarily pigeons, or seagulls attacking your lunch…but I love seeing them and hearing them and when I can hear them I love that it’s that quiet and peaceful.  I love the ocean.  I love the wind in my lungs, the way it makes me feel like I can breathe.  I LOVE sweets.  A donut on occasion.  I love writing when it comes to me. I love reading a good book. I love helping when I can. I love to volunteer. I love chocolate chip cookie dough. I love vegetables right out of the garden. I love a garden. I love planting flowers. I love lilacs. I love fresh aire. I love the smell of pine. I love living on Mount Washington. I love horseback riding. I have loved my dogs, I have loved walking my dogs. I love sunsets. I love warm weather. I love the sun. I love the moon. I love the snow the first time it falls.  I love people..mostly..I love my friends, my neighbors, my family. I love all the goodness that is going on right now, in spite of all the worry and death and uncertainty. It’s making us reflect on what is important.  Some of us anyway.  I think more of us than less.

I guess an underlying trait of mine is I “love” a lot of life. 

I’m not gonna lie.  I’m a little worried about it being all over, like my life being over. This coronavirus is like a biblical plague. Have I complained to God too much about my less than satisfactory circumstances throughout my life?  Is he gonna say “fine then, you’re done?” Or will he say, okay you appreciate life, keep going. Which side of me gets my point across to the Universe?  My good side or my bad side?  Which side of me is me?  How is it going to tie in with who he takes in the plague?

This coronavirus is so sporadic.  It doesn’t make sense.  They’d want us to think it attacks older people mostly – but do statistics support that? It does go through nursing homes but it also takes healthy people.  Young people and old people.  And am I the only one that is shocked that 60’s are considered old?  Even 61? I can’t make sense of it.  I don’t know how to process all the information. Nobody knows.  I cry a lot.  I cry at the commercials thanking the workers.  I cry at 60 minutes.  I cry at the news.  I cry at all the love in the world now.

On the other hand, we have those “protesting” staying home.  Crazy Trumpers I’m sure.  I am no longer being politically correct about my feelings for Trump.  He’s an idiot.  Although at times I also feel sorry for him.  He is in so over his head.  He never thought he’d win the presidency let alone have a real situation that he had to “lead” us through. Well, I say God bless Trump and the Trumpers, please.  If they want to go out and mingle amongst themselves have at it.  I will try and stay away from them. I’ll continue to stay home as much as I can. Wear my mask, and the gloves, wash my hands and take the threat seriously.  And who knows, maybe everyone in New York dying is fake news and no one will ever get sick again.  Wouldn’t that be great?  If we were tricked into staying home and spending time with ourselves and our families?  And forced to work from home which is 90% of the workforce dream? Sure there is unemployment but how about the world pitching in and helping. I mean the world is good.

I for one don’t want anything to go back to “normal” – I want to evolve.  I want to see the new normal. I want to be alive to see the new normal.  I want people to find themselves, and I want the Trumpers to be right and we can socialize again and nothing will happen. I’m cautious…but happily open to being wrong.

This was in the last paragraph of my Goddess card today:

The possibility of peace on Earth begins with understanding Divine justice….Justice is about seeing the truth about yourself and your life.

What if Peace on Earth starts with thinking about ourselves? And God is giving us the time to do it. Peace on Earth would be pretty cool.

xoxoxo

xoxo

Like
Like Love Haha Wow Sad Angry
10

Lockdown Countdown

I’m listening to WYEP (local radio station) and they’re playing the lockdown countdown music list.  I think that has a ring to it – don’t you?  Lockdown Countdown…we should use that to mean coming out of Lockdown..although we don’t know what that actual countdown is. Do you think we’ll be back to going to work May 1? I don’t. I’m seeing more June in my crystal ball head of mine.  If I’m honest, which I usually am, I’m not ready for it to be over.  I’m ready for no one to die, but the whole stay at home thing, well I don’t think we’re ready to move on from this lesson in life.  I can’t watch the news without crying about all the goodness in people. I love how it’s uniting the world. THE WORLD. When I think about how this affects every single person in the world, well it’s uniting isn’t it? I’m afraid if it’s over too soon the “goodness” side of this quarantine won’t have lasting effects. Of course the sadness of this situation with all of the unemployment and deaths is the heartbreaking side. I wish I could do more.

I guess the main thing we can do is try the stay at home thing.  There are a lot of people that still think it’s a “hoax” or maybe hoax is not the right word, maybe the right word is overkill? Or over reaction? But will it kill us to stay at home just incase it’s not a hoax?  The alternate reality, if it’s not a hoax, is it could kill us if we don’t stay home. We don’t really know the truth do we? I mean none of us really know. I am not home all the time. I go grocery shopping. And I don’t want to admit other indiscretions. I went out on Friday to pick up a prescription, then some Easter stuff since I was out. I wore two sets of gloves and a face mask. Have a bottle of antibacterial hand sanitizer gel in the car and disinfectant wipes in my purse. So I’m at the prescription counter, I attempted to use the ATM machine with gloves on. The gloves are too big, I hit the wrong buttons, my glasses fogged up, I couldn’t see. I took off all my gloves, pulled my face mask down and used my bare hands on the key pad that countless people touch all day long. Left the mask off so I could breathe and see my way out of the store and threw the gloves out into the garbage on the way out of the store. I can’t count the number of times I touched my face. But when I got in the car I used my hand sanitizer. It is not easy.

I guess when I ask myself, what more can I do? the answer is “just stay home.” Don’t fight with the mask and gloves, just stay home. I have one errand to do today, dropping off food, then I’ll stay home for 14 days. Except I won’t because I’ll need food again. See?

There are those (myself included at first) who thought that the flu kills many more people.  And the numbers may suggest that, but personally I have never known anyone to die from the flu. And I know the hospitals aren’t lining up bodies in the ER during flu season.  And I know that there aren’t people with the flu who are healthy one minute and 3 hours later on a ventilator and then die. So even though many are comparing this illness similar to the flu, or even less deadly than the flu, is it really comparable?  Is it? I don’t know.  It doesn’t feel like the same thing. I think it’s like the plagues in biblical times.  If we don’t have lambs’ blood above our door will it come for us?

These are the questions that are swirling in that ever-active head of mine.  Trying to stay calm, stay sane, and do the right thing.

Here are some other questions swirling around my head?

  • Do we really not use 2 spaces after a period?  Do people check? And who are these people checking? I can’t possibly retrain my typing skill to go one space after a period. I can’t do it.
  • How long will it take my body to get back into shape after not exercising for a month? Not that it was “in shape” before but it was better than this.
  • How many baked goods can I make and eat without going into a diabetic coma?
  • Is it worth buying a desk for only one more month of this work at home thing?
  • What’s the real story on facemasks?  Are they or aren’t they effective?
  • How do people keep vermin out of their gardens?  I thought about maybe putting a couple of tomato plants or herbs on my deck but I already have more wildlife than a nature preserve. Do I want to feed them too?

All that aside, it’s my Jimmy’s (youngest son) bday.  It is a good day.  He is 29. Life goes on.  I wonder what his 30th will be like. Indeed what will the world be like one year from now.

xoxox

Like
Like Love Haha Wow Sad Angry
5

That would be a negative

My boy is Covid NEGATIVE.  It is a relief.  He’s just regular sick.  Which is not great news for him.  Being Covid Negative is good news, but he wishes he knew what was wrong with himself.  I told him to call Telemedicine again.  He said they’re so screwed up he had to pay for the appointment as they couldn’t find his insurance.  It’s always something with this dam healthcare.  There is nothing about our healthcare system that makes me feel confident.  I’m not referring to the individual doctors/nurses/care people – they are lovely – but the system is effed up.

I don’t know about you but I’m losing my mind a little bit with this work at home thing.  I mostly LOVE working from home but my day consists of walking briefly in the morning, briefly, then downstairs to my kitchen table in the dungeon (previously known as cozy) where I don’t see the light of day for the rest of the day.  When work is over, I go upstairs to my couch and sit and watch TV.  I am on my ass 15 hours a day, minus the 10 steps back and forth from the bathroom.  At my work-work office the bathroom was really far.  The coffee pot was far.  Lunch was at least a few steps on and off the elevator and down the escalator through the tunnel!

I plan on moving this operation upstairs, to where there is light, at some point next week.  But I am still considering that because at this point I can walk upstairs and this mess is out of sight.  I’ve been talking to friends who comment that their mess is always looking at them…thus drawing you back to just do “one more thing” – way past the normal time you’d be working if you left the office to go home…on the bus…not looking back.

And how about this…you’re in the bathroom and the phone rings/or email dings, and you feel like you have to justify why you weren’t at your desk.  Did we ever feel guilty going the bathroom at work?

I know people are not happy with this work at home dream.  BUT we are also not set up properly for it.  When I worked at home full time years ago, I had a proper desk, my desktop computer supplied by my company, I mean a full office set up. I was not winging it on my kitchen table trying to make my personal laptop computer fit the remote desktop options of my company, constantly looking for files in some one- drive lost in some cloud, dropping all my work calls because I have no cell service in this basement/kitchen/office space of mine.  The work at home dreams need to come with work at home conditions.  An office, a “work” computer, provided by your employer, supplies provided by your employer, and of course a cell signal (I’m looking at you Verizon)!  Not related to work but once I was charged a roaming fee for a call I took in my kitchen!!

I know what I have to do to be blissful, but I have not as yet done it (move upstairs, buy a desk, buy a chair, do yoga at lunch!!)

For today, I am happy that I can visit my boy without fear of Covid cooties. It is a good day!

xoxoxxo

Like
Like Love Haha Wow Sad Angry
8

Being a mom in the time of Covid

I have two older sons.  My youngest son typically keeps me posted on everything going on in his life…well not everything (thank God) but he is very communicative.  My oldest…I swear conversation is like pulling teeth.  A question like “how are you” can be met with resistance.  I don’t know if he’s wondering if I have an agenda to my “how are you” or worse yet if he thinks I will criticize his answer.  If he says “fine” – will I say “what do you mean by fine” – if he says “not well” I then question “what does that mean” – I am SURE this is what he’s thinking because it can sometimes take a day or never to get a response.

Sometimes he is very chatty.  It seems to be best if I start with something other than “how are you”.

On Fridays he typically goes to Costco.  This past Friday I sent him a text and asked if he was going to Costco.  I was going to ask him to look for Peanut Butter (toilet paper is a given) – his response was “not tonight, I’m not feeling well” – to that I said “do you have a fever” and he said no.  And then I dropped it because…well see above.  He doesn’t like questions…usually. And I am always accused of over-reacting.  He never offers more information than necessary.

I offered that I would be going to the store on Saturday and could get him something if needed.  He thanked me.  See?  So good so far. He’s responding.

Saturday was met with laziness.  It seems to be a day for me to lounge in bed a long time, and then do nothing if possible.  By mid-day (and after 5 episodes of Last Tango in Halifax) I realized I had offered to get him something at the store and at this point I had no intention of leaving the house – but the mom that I am I reached out “haven’t been to the store yet – do you need anything?” – answer, “no thanks for asking” – and back I went to finish bingeing Last Tango.  I know not to push my luck with additional questions.

Sunday was a good day – I did a lot of laundry – took a few walks.  We were so windy here I was afraid of getting decapitated by a flying stop sign or any type of debris, but I am here to tell you that did not happen to me or anyone I know of.  However there was a very sad story of a tree falling on a woman and her 3 year old daughter who were walking in a park.  Presumably the wind knocked the tree over. They are both in critical care.

I watched 60 minutes last night.  What is happening in New York is horrifying and so very sad.  Anyone who watched it will understand.  Also, I’ve never heard of this Brene Brown.  Apparently she’s getting big like an Oprah.  But I don’t know anyone else that’s heard of her either.  Well anyway, I digress…

After 60 minutes…it occurred to me, Zach didn’t feel well, I should check in with him even though chances are he won’t respond because he’s Zach. I should at least be the mom and say “how are you feeling..” so I took a leap of faith and sent the text.  Not a quick response (in texting terms) but I did get “about the same as yesterday.  Not bad as long as I’m not moving” – my response “what are your symptoms” – His response “I’m scheduled for Covid test tomorrow at 8 am”

Well…

Well…

I called him.  Let me say I first sent a text and said “can I call you?” He didn’t answer.  I was m-effing him of course for not answering.  I called anyway.  No answer. But then…because he really is a good boy, he called me back, apologized that the phone was in the other room and even put me on speaker so I could talk to both him and Rachel.  Apparently, he was having trouble breathing.  Had called telemedicine and they told him to go for testing. He called them on Friday, they set up the appointment for Monday morning.  Told him if he had to go to the ER they had to call ahead of time and let them know he was having Covid symptoms before getting there.

But do you see, a whole weekend of him not being able to breathe and I don’t hear about it until Sunday night?  I was checking on him wasn’t I?  Was I just not asking the right questions? I hate kids.

And because I watched 60 minutes and heard how someone can go into the ER with slight symptoms and be on a ventilator within 3 hours well you can imagine my stress level. His sympton was he couldn’t breathe. I was trying really really hard not to over react.  It helped that it was a horrible connection and I had trouble hearing them. I succeeded in remaining calm and just said “Zachary If you can’t breathe you have to go to the ER” – They explained to me that they were given instructions on how to go to the ER if it got worse.  Rachel thinks he has pneumonia.  I don’t really care what he has, I just want him to breathe.  I also found out that Rachel had been miserably sick these past few weeks. I had no idea.  One time a year or so back I found out she was in ICU in a hospital and on a heart monitor for a month.  Know when I found out? Like 6 months later. I HATE kids.  We said our “I love yous” and hung up.  They agreed to keep me posted on the following day’s events.

I hung up with them and full on panic ensued.  I texted with a couple friends – rambling, shaking, crying.

All I could think about was:

  • I smoked when I was pregnant..It was 1982 – nobody told me not to.  I smoked when I nursed.  I smoked until he was 2.  It’s my fault he can’t breathe.  It’s all my fault.  He’s going to die from this because of me.
  • What if it escalates and he is put on a ventilator. Is he going to be alone?  Will they allow visitors?  Will Rachel be able to be in there with him? She’ll be losing her mind.  I’ll lose my mind.
  • Will they ever tell me? Do they know I’m his mom?  Will I get a call? Or will they wait until he’s really bad before I know anything at all.
  • I’m not telling Jimmy (younger son).  He is prone to panic attacks.  I’ll wait until after the testing is done.

I waited until 8:10 this morning and then sent a text to both him and Rachel and said “well?” – no response.  See what I’m saying?  Fuckers!

Then…I see he’s online.  He’s working!  And after a few short responses..

ME: Are you working?

Yes

ME: Did you drive or walk over (to testing)

Drove

ME: I assume you are feeling better or they wouldn’t have sent you home

And boom – conversation ensued…Just have to hit the right cadence I guess. 

I was shuffled to a room and the halls were lined with people in hazmat suits. ​They sat me down and shoved a thing up my nose then told me to leave.…was handed a piece of paper that said results in 1-4 days.

He shared that he is feeling much much better.  He is able to breathe much better.  I should be relieved.

I am not

I keep crying

I know I’m a cry baby

But

This is different

Most people getting this thing will feel nothing or feel like they have a cold (presumably) but people ARE dying.  It’s like a crap shoot.  Is it going to be your son?  Because you smoked?

Jimmy has sports related asthma. What if he gets it? Could he have trouble breathing if he gets it?  He’s also prone to panic attacks.  Wonder where he gets THAT from?  How will that condition interact with this Covid business?

A mom’s role is to rush to their child’s side isn’t it?.  What am I supposed to do now? I kept catastrophizing…I could run to Zach’s house and sit with him – he lives close.  Would Zachary be more upset that I’m exposing myself or would he be grateful that I’m there?  What if I get it and react adversely and be one of the unlucky ones. What about Jimmy?  Is that fair to the other one? Do I save myself? And now knowing Zachary is getting better is this the lesson?  Just wait it out?  It’s so opposite a natural motherly response. We don’t wait – we rush.

But I didn’t rush did I?  I didn’t sleep much either.

What if that would have been the wrong decision?  What if I would have lost him in the night?  I kept rehashing in my head the last time I saw him and was wondering if that was the last time I was going to see him.  Now that I know he’s okay was it mom intuition working and if it really was the end I would have known to rush?  Or am I rationalizing poor motherly response?

I KNOW this is over-reacting…which I am always accused of…my head was catastrophizing big time.  We always think it won’t happen to me.  But it does happen.  It’s happening to “me’s” all over the world.

The therapists (or pseudo therapists) reading this, are probably having a field day with my relationship issues with my children…I’m glad to give you a case study to think about…but the bottom line is the issue facing all of us mothers of older children in these times..

What are we supposed to do?

Like
Like Love Haha Wow Sad Angry
7