An Ode To Zenah

My little girl is graduating this week.  Wednesday to be exact.  I’m not going because really she is not my little girl.  But for 2 years she was.  And how are you supposed to just stop caring for someone like that?  I was with Marissa for 3 years when she went to Point Park. She sat at my desk 4 days a week for 3 years, as my work-study.  I remember the day she walked out of my office for the last time (as a student worker), the tears, the pit in my stomach, I can relive it on a dime. (I just saw her 2 weeks ago. She lives in Orlando. It’s good.) Zachary also used to stop in and visit when he went to Point Park and even though I knew I would obviously see him again, since he is my son, the day he walked out of my office after quitting school (the first time) I had that pit.  You get used to people ya know? And while it is true that I have not been with Zener this past year I can’t help but think about her graduating. People who know me, know how hard it is for me to get over a boyfriend (other than the dreams I’m still having about Howard, my high school boyfriend – I am sooo good at it now) so imagine me trying to get over these children.  It’s mind blowing to say the least.  I can’t wrap my head around it most days and have no idea how to process it. How did Mary Poppins do it?

So the little girl that I watched make the transition to this new school, new home, new family, who I watched go from sobbing about it to being so excellent at everything she tried, cheering for her at her LAX games, holding her up when she got hit in the head with a LAX stick bleeding everywhere, helping her through life with a shoulder to cry on (she rarely cries but would vent…often), literally she would put her head on my lap to watch TV, make BLT’s and cookies for, this little girl that I became so fond of is graduating from high school.  I couldn’t be prouder even though I’m not there.  She knows I’m thinking about her.  Who knows maybe she thinks of me too.

I have had to break ties a few times in my life over situations like this.  The first time was with Zachary’s cousin Aimee.  We were very close when she was a little girl. When I divorced Zachary’s dad, when she was like 7, I assumed we would stay close. But when I got pregnant with Jimmy, out of wedlock, well, her mother had another idea.  I had heard that Aimee and her mother were having arguments over wanting to stay close with me, she would have been 8 or 9 then.  So I backed out.  Right after I told her that I would always be there for her.  And then I let go.  Why?  Because it’s not right to come between a child and their parent.  It’s not right. Not at 8 years old.  I had always hoped that when she grew up we would reconnect but she has never reached out.  I’m sure she feels I abandoned her.  Why?  Because I abandoned her. Except I didn’t.  I just backed down.

I’ve backed down – but not completely off – with the Baker children as well.  I often think of Jorden and wonder how he’s doing but he wouldn’t dare go against his father’s wishes to keep me at a distance.  It’s an odd scenario isn’t it?  Imagine being those kids, or any kids, that have people they get attached to come and go into their lives. I had two parents my whole life, well I mean until my father died.  But my mom never brought anyone into our lives even after being widowed at 50 years old.  I remember when I was living in Miami at 21 years old my parents called and said they were getting divorced.  I sat on Doug’s lap, curled up in the fetal position, and cried like a baby.  Sobbing.  And then they didn’t get divorced.  I mean I was 21 years old, for heavens sake, but the thought of them divorcing was destined to ruin my world, I was sure of it.  I’m embarrassed to say that I didn’t cry like that when my dad died.  But divorce?  That was a different story in my mind.

I wonder how that has shaped me.  As a parent.  As a partner.  We all know I’m not good at the partner thing, well not good at picking a partner, but I like to think I’ve been a steady parent.  I do sometimes feel like I’m being punished for leaving my own grown children.  I left them to help this other family and in the process lost everyone.  Well you know, I didn’t really lose anyone, but I wasn’t around for anyone to take me to the Grand Concourse on Mother’s Day.  My kids didn’t have a mom to hang out with. I’ve abandoned my children.  I don’t know what I was thinking.

I don’t understand how when people die they say they have no regrets.  I have sooooo many regrets.  Starting back with high school.  I wish I was a better student. I wish I would have passed French.  I wish I would have finished college (in the 70’s).  I wish I would have practiced piano more. And that’s just the start. I don’t know what I wish I would have done differently these past 4 years but I would have done something differently.  I just don’t know what it is yet.  I do not regret knowing Zenah.  That is a given.

Well, I should take a lesson from the book of Zener.  Here is a person who has been faced with unbelievable challenges at every stage in her life and she never let it get her down.  She had told me in the past that she’s had no regrets.  Every challenge, even the death of her mother, was a growing experience for her – that’s what she said.  And now she’s graduating from high school – I’m sure with honors – and attending her first pick college – University of Florida.  GO GATORS!!  How can you not be proud of this girl, whether you know her or not?  She is an amazing person.  She will surely be a light force in the world.  She already is.

Ya know, Gainesville is less than an hour from me.  I wonder if she’ll mind if I show up with cookies….every weekend.

Xoxox